Learn To Lean Into Conflict From One Of The World’s Most Experienced Kidnap-For-Ransom Negotiators

Scott Walker, author of Order Out of Chaos, is a Sunday Times best-selling author and keynote speaker. One of the world’s most experienced kidnap-for-ransom negotiators, Walker has helped resolve over 300 cases worldwide.

Walker and the author discussed how to deal with difficult emotions in stressful situations. These aren’t as high stakes as hostage negotiations: a difficult situation could be a phone chat with a sibling or a difficult conversation with a colleague who frequently frustrates you. As Walker shares, collaboration is the way through these situations; he offers three specific strategies to help you to move forward and avoid a negativity spiral.

Walker has a three-step framework for engaging in a difficult conversation: embrace the power of the pause, “ride the wave,” and ask better questions. First, pause. Breathe. Regain your composure if you’ve lost it temporarily. Second, “ride the wave:” feel your feelings, but don’t say anything or react in a way that will cause you regret. Finally, ask questions with the underlying goal of supporting the other person, looking for opportunities for collaboration, and expanding your thinking. This stance requires you to put your judgment aside and be genuinely curious.

Value change.  Walker says you must break the pattern of doing the same things every time you have a conflict. For example, if in hard conversations you usually bluster forward despite tension, do this instead: Stop. When appropriate, admit you screwed up and apologize. Walker says if you’re going to break your bad patterns, you must truly value change. Then, put that value into practice.

Likeability engenders credibility.  Trust must be the foundation for any conflict or difficult negotiation. Scott said that, tragically, when kidnappers walk away from hostage negotiations, it’s because negotiators never built trust with the kidnappers. When trust is built, negotiators have a 93% chance of de-escalating the situation and achieving a successful outcome.  As a leader, you’re most likely not negotiating with kidnappers. Yet you still need to build trust with your teams so that you can engage in healthy conflict, discussion, and negotiation. The number one way to build trust, says Walker, is spending your most valuable currency: time. Spending time with your people allows for easier collaboration; however, some leaders view listening and creating rapport as “wasting time.” Says Walker to leaders: you’re dealing with people. Your teams must feel connected and cared for if they’re going to trust you.  On the other hand, if you “play hardball,” you build a reputation of throwing people under the bus. There are wider consequences when you don’t collaborate: when you’re not seeking common ground, you can be blindsided later on.