Find Your Phrase in Important Moments

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Many of us have experienced situations where we or someone else was problematically stereotyped, inappropriately dressed down, or held back from opportunities. In these cases, we’d like to think we wouldn’t be a silent victim or bystander. Unfortunately, the evidence suggests otherwise.  At other times, our response to situations like these isn’t silence but is equally problematic: We do speak up in real time, but in a way that only harms ourselves or the person we were trying to help. That kind of reaction also does nothing to change the offender’s behavior, because all of their attention shifts to mentally (or verbally) labeling us as inappropriate, out of control, or some other negative descriptor.

If our goal is to strongly defend our own values and act as an ally to others, why do we often use such ineffective strategies in the moment? Because “fight or flight” is humans’ instinctive, and therefore automatic, response to stressful situations.  If we don’t work hard to overcome these natural tendencies, we’re likely to keep reacting the same way every time.  And we will keep regretting that.

So, what can you do? The authors recommend that we choose a couple of phrases that we want to be able to reliably and skillfully use when faced with disrespectful, inappropriate behavior. Then we should practice using them until the phrases become automatic even when we are significantly stressed.

Which type of phrase to use in a given situation will depend, at a general level, on how you implicitly weight two objectives: to unambiguously condemn the current action, or to create a change in the beliefs or behavior of the offender.

1. Asserting: Set Clear Boundaries.  Use assertive responses when a statement is clearly inappropriate and you want to make it known that such comments are unacceptable to you.  

“I don’t appreciate that comment.”  “That’s not appropriate in a professional setting.”  “That stereotype is harmful, and I won’t ignore it.”  “If you wouldn’t want that said about your family or friend, don’t say it here.” Keep in mind, though, that assertive responses are the most likely to provoke defensiveness, so tone and delivery matter most of all with these kinds of statements.

2. Educating: Encourage Awareness and Change.  If the speaker perhaps didn’t realize that their comment was problematic, an educational response delivered in a nonaggressive manner can help foster understanding.  “That sounds like a stereotype. I used to think that too, but I’ve learned …”  “I noticed that comment, and I want to share why it can be harmful.”  “I feel uncomfortable with that statement because …”   “I don’t think you realize the impact of what you just said.”  Educational responses work well when the goal is to broaden perspectives and encourage learning rather than simply call out the offense.
3. Inquiring: Spark Reflection and Dialogue.  Sometimes, asking a question is the most effective way to challenge problematic comments and prompt self-reflection.  “Can you clarify what you meant by that?”  “Could you tell me why you think that’s true?”  “What led you to that conclusion?”  “Are we making assumptions here that deserve a second look?”  Inquiry-based responses encourage two-way conversation. This strategy allows you to challenge a statement without direct confrontation and can therefore be especially useful when the person who offended you holds more power.

Choosing a few phrases that sound authentic to you is a necessary but insufficient first step. You’ll also have to practice those phrases over and over, if you hope to be able to skillfully use them when your brain’s deeply ingrained evolutionary and social fight-or-flight instincts take control.  Here’s a process for practicing your phrases:  Consider your identity factors.  Practive a loud.  Practive in low-stakes situations.  And reflect and adjust.

Snf if you have the power to do so, help strengthen your organization’s culture of response by doing the following:  Protecting people who speak up.  Recognizing and rewarding those who speak up.  And holding leaders — especially those in senior roles — accountable for the behavior they model.

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