Someone Blaming You for Their Mistakes? Try 4 Simple Steps

Extractive Summary of the Article | Listen

What’s the best way to respond when someone (a coworker, boss, or family member) blames you for consequences of choices that they made?  —“Sick and tired of the blame game”  Your question is a good one—but it’s also extremely complex and involves a lot of nuance. There’s no “one size fits all” answer, as much will depend on various factors, such as:  your relationship with the other person; if this is a “one-off” or a repeated occurrence; the root cause for their blaming you; the amount of shared responsibility for the difficult situation; the limitations of the other person and your short and long-term goals, both in the situation and in dealing with the person.  

All of these factors should influence how you respond, but it’s that last one that’s most important, namely:  What are my goals here?  That question is important because emotional intelligence is all about using your understanding and ability to manage emotions to reach those goals. 

To be clear, you don’t want to be anyone’s punching bag. But you also don’t want to get caught up in the blame game. The one thing you know is, for whatever reason, they view you as contributing to the situation they find themselves in, one they are struggling with.

If the goals include establishing genuine connection, preserving or maintaining the relationship, and actually solving the problem at hand, focus on helping the other person, and the blame will likely disappear.  Here’s a simple framework you could try to do that:

1. Empathize: Here you don’t have to say anything…yet. Just try to imagine how they feel, and then try your best to relate to those feelings. Remember, the important thing is not who’s “right” or “wrong.” (After all, empathy does not equal agreement.) Rather, the goal is connection, so strive to remember the last time you felt like this, and how much you appreciated when someone was willing to help.
2. Apologize and share responsibility: “Please know, I’m genuinely sorry for anything I’ve done that’s contributed to this situation. I’d like to do all I can to work with you to make this better.”
3. Help first: “Tell me, what could I do to improve this situation?” Alternatively, you could brainstorm an idea you feel would genuinely help; then present that as an option. “Would it be helpful if I…”
4. Get them to commit: “Ok. I can commit to trying my best to make this happen. Can I ask something of you, too? It means so much to me when you…”

The idea here is not that you must follow these exact four steps, and the scripts are just examples. Also, keep in mind that this approach may or may not work for your situation, as everything depends on the factors above (among countless others).  But hopefully it serves as a starting point for finding a way to move forward, instead of staying stuck.

show less